Paris

Paris is a beautiful city. You will not realize this immediately. The airport is a hellish mess, and the train ride into downtown will be less than scenic.

When you arrive downtown, you will not have a place to stay. Schlep your bags all over the city. This is the best idea. But, avoid stairs at all costs. They will be trying to kill you.

You will eventually arrive at a cheap hostel. You will not want to stay here. No one should want to stay here. Use their internet to find a better place.

You will find an amazing place. This is their website.

Buy the cheap fare. It buys the same room as the regular fare, only cheaper. Capsules in Tokyo cost more than this…

For the next three days, you will walk around the city. Some things will be closed. Other things will be crowded. This is what they look like:












Leave all the talking to the French speaker. When people look at you for confirmation (you are French, after all) nod knowingly. When you do open your mouth to place an order, you will get laughed at for saying “chocolate croissant” instead of “pan au chocolate.” This innocuous mistake is apparently hilarious and needs to be repeated to every French person you see for the next several days. You are a moron, and everyone must know it.